Down the bottom of lonely street (a quiock recap of whats been going on during my time away from da)

It’s around 5 am in room 12 of the heartbreak hotel and I’m lying on the sofa like a discarded sack of dirty sweaty clothes. The new kid is slouched in the corner against two walls relying on their strength for his support. The boy with no face A.K.A Blanky is lying at the bottom of the bed like a blanket. Meanwhile Annie sits wide awake against the headboard fag in hand and sharp tongue ready to ridicule the three men who couldn’t keep up with her drunken antics. I open my eyes; glance at Blanky on the bed and point out that due to his shortness there’s only two and a half men in this room. It’s not a hateful comment; just our playful rivalry. He points out that I’m old and I remind him he’s short.

Annie carries on talking and I’m torn straight down the middle. Part of me is praying for her to shut up and allow silence and maybe a moments sleep. That other part of me is hanging on her every word as if they were pearls of wisdom from the Buddha himself; instead of the ramblings of a 19 year old with too much booze inside her. In a way I kind of envy her; I envy her energy and enthusiasm. She’s a born party girl; a social butterfly; the talking point and the centre of everyone’s attention. Of the three men in the room here and now there is not one who doesn’t hold some sort of soft spot for the girl. We all have affection for her to some sort of degree; for some of us the word love is far too strong for others it’s not strong enough.

The new kid yawns and fidgets in his corner. He should go to the bed that’s waiting for him in his own room but I think he just can’t pull himself away. I think he is enjoying the first flushes of attraction and desire for her. Annie offers him a comfortable place on the bed next to her and above Blanky the blanket at her feet. I wonder if his heart flutters just a little as he lies down next to her. I remember when my eye was first taken with her form. I remember that feeling well; even though it didn’t last long. That feeling was never all that strong with me, and was only rooted in the kindness she offered me and the new and budding friendship we had formed. That feeling faded for good on the night we danced in the gasworks and she looked at me to kiss her. I thought for a moment and kissed her innocently on her forehead; boyfriends come and go and I planned on being far more permanent than that. I lost that level of attraction that night and never regained it. Sometimes I think to myself that: life would be a lot more simple and straight forward if I could feel that way again. In another universe; different from our own we could be the greatest of all love affairs but in our universe what we have is far too precious to risk.
Why risk it anyway? It is an enduring friendship that has had its trials and tensions but it has always resurfaced stronger; it is ship that never sinks. There is not a man alive that can resist her; we all fall under her charms sooner or later; we may not all stay their but we all fall! And in truth I’m not jealous of any man under her charms; there’s no need to be. They can’t hold a candle to me because I’m the permanent one.

But still sometimes I envy her energy; sometimes I wish I could be the centre; adored by many talked about by all; but I’m far too awkward to pull it off. Instead I’m the guy on the couch who pipes up with funny remarks and his own brand of wisdom; and I’m ok with that role. To be honest; however attractive the centre might seem to me as I lie on the edge I kind of know I wouldn’t enjoy the pressure in being there.
Blanky has the ultimate poker face and is sarcasm incarnate. He is a really good guy but wears a lack of expression on his mug and hides his feelings well. I can still see the torch he holds for Annie though; no matter how cool and casual he is about it. Anyway the conversation moves on to our various home towns dotted around this little island; and as Blanky shows his disdain for Coventry I defend it. It’s not all that bad; I’ve been to worse places and in truth there is good and bad everywhere. I begin to tell a story; I get as far as ‘when I was a kid in Coventry there was...’
The new kid interrupts me with the word ‘dinosaurs’ and a hanging question mark. I laugh out loud; he’s clicked on to Blanky’s game. I turn to the faceless child at the bottom of the bed and tell him how the new kid’s first joke about my age pisses all over any joke he has ever made; I say you’ll have to step up your game. 26; that’s how old I am as I write this! It’s a massive 3 years older than these two boys and a slightly worrying 7 years on Annie. I’m still a long way from drawing my pension but exaggeration is a fun game to play. On that note I would just like to point out that Blanky is that short that he would have trouble making eye contact with Ronnie Corbett.
I tell my story about being a kid in Coventry and loving the rides on the round-about down by the market and it seems to have little to no relevance to the debate at hand. But since when did drunken stupors and cogent conversation go hand in hand. By this time the chatter had died down completely amongst us lads. Annie is still chatting though; and now she has my camera and she’s taking pictures but I can barely keep my eyes open. I close them and when I open them again Annie and Blanky have gone outside for a fag; my eyes close again and this time when they open the new kid has gone as well.

It’s important to know that this hotel was built on a foundation of broken hearts. During the months prior to its opening its staff were hired and set on to be trained in the ways of the hotel business; and to help clean and prepare the building for its grand opening. The staff were comprised of a group of people with an assortment of issues; secret lives; failing relationships; sleazy affairs, delicate personalities and even more fragile souls. From day one this place was a home to the insecure and the deeply damaged. Even our fearless leader; the woman with the power had issues of her own. In my opinion she was a hateful selfish creature; with a taste for passing off the work the blame and the book on her hapless staff; for there was not one amongst us who had ever worked in a hotel before.
Of all the people who started here; of the original team I’m the only one who remains. I can’t talk for the original team; I mean I can tell you their individual stories but I can’t tell you how badly their hearts were broken; you can never know unless you feel it yourself. I can tell you how completely and utterly my heart was broken; I can tell you my story.

I got this job working the night shifts to please my lover Baby Twist. She was a wonderful girl and I loved her completely; but it is true what they say! The course of true love never did run smooth. She came from a different type of world to mine; a bigger house; a 4 by 4 and a convertible in the driveway. But most of all she had parents who thought she could find someone prettier; smarter and richer than me. They reminded her of this fact almost daily with helpful hints like ‘maybe if you lost a bit more weight you would be confident enough to find someone better’. Baby Twist had the confidence knocked out her by the bullies she was educated with; she kept a diary of the abuse she suffered at school and I shed a tear or two on its pages. But my greatest sadness came from the fact that she seemed to receive little to no comfort from her family. She survived the bullies at school only to suffer at her family’s hands. Even if they did put silk gloves on before leaving their marks on her they still left their marks.

They were determined to live Baby Twist’s life for her and by extension mine. From day one the message was made clear to me and filtered through my lover. My life was not good enough for them; so what if I have a book of poetry and so what if it’s sold as far away as Canada! So what if I wanted to be a writer. It was all nothing more than nice dreams and hobbies; I had to get a better job; lose some weight, learn to drive, get a better job, a haircut, a shave, a better job and for god sake I should just stop wearing my converses and get some nice sensible shoes and a better job. That’s the way it was; the parents punched their little girl, and their little girl punched me in turn.

Well I got a better job; a slightly better job that is. I went from working in a shop to the night shifts at the heartbreak hotel. The deal was that if I agreed to be on constant night shifts I could have every weekend off to be with my baby twist. This and the slightly better pay was enough to agree to the new job. I remember that in the first weeks I near killed myself working nights in the hotel and then rushing out with my suitcase to the train station to be with my darling. Still she was cold with me.
A month after the hotel opened- 2 months after I got the new job- Baby twist; decided that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. After two weeks of near silence on her part she told me by text. My world crumbled; I had given up everything for the love of her and now that she was gone I was left with nothing. I cried till my eyes were sore but stopped when it was time to be to come to work; at 10.30pm the night she left me I stopped crying and put on my uniform and went to work. I held it in all night until the sound of two people- people who had arrived in separate cars- having sex in room 13 echoed through the walls to me and caused me to rush to the toilet to be sick.
At the end of my shift I went home and when my front door closed behind me and I took of my uniform off I began to cry again. I didn’t sleep or eat I just cried at every hat dropping memory of her. It went on this way for weeks; I didn’t eat at all and lost about a stone; I didn’t sleep and bags the size of shopping trolleys formed under my eyes. Although I didn’t eat or sleep I did work; and when I worked I bottled up the sadness for the safety of 7am! I only took one day off sick after a vicious fight with Baby twist conducted by text. Apart from that I worked and I survived and of the original team I am the only one left; I didn’t know I was this strong.

We should note that baby twist had a new boyfriend 3 days after ending things with me. From what I understand he is a guy with a good solid job and a nice car. He is both slimmer and younger than me and just more of a ‘husband material’ kind of guy. Baby twist herself is still dieting to the best of by knowledge; she now attends a gym as well. Instead of taking her hard earned year out like she had planned she has gone straight to University; I wonder are they happy now? Or have they found something new to pick at? She didn’t fit with them; they were the square hole and she was a round peg; I’m not saying she fit with me any better but I allowed her to fit wherever she wanted to fit. It makes me sad now to think of her; my beautiful round peg forced into a square hole. That’s all I have to say about my Baby Twist; what Revelations remain will not be revealed by me. All I will say is that by some pure miracle I survived her but I feel I lost something of myself along the way.

Now the heartbreak hotel did not survive simple because of me; it was gradually re-staffed until a new bunch of broken hearts and damaged personalities sprang up around me. First came the new kid; my brand new manager; Mr Successes story himself. He is a bright, smart and capable young man who achieved the role of hotel manager at the tender age of 18; now a 23 year old he was sent to us to drag us out of the hole our previous manager had dug for us. He came with the knowledge that sooner or later he would have to choose between his career and his long term girlfriend. In the end he did choose and there’s nothing at all wrong with being career motivated.

Next we needed a new receptionist; and it just so happened that my old friend Blanky was coming back to Coventry after graduating with a 2.1 from Bournemouth University. Of course a man of his great intellect, impeccable style, undeniable charming manner and profound shortness walked the interview. It turned out that he split from his girlfriend around the same time I split from baby twist. I think it’s because they just wanted different things; he wanted things to go on the way they had been and she wanted a kick up the arse and to realise when she was better off. In my opinion she was a girl who was always looking for greener grass; and was all too happy to trade the garden she had for a patch of Astroturf.

Now next the new kid hired a girl who for all intense and purposes appeared to be a charming funny bright fun kind of person. She was not exactly a stunner but hey I’ve done worse. This fun jokey down to earth personality disappeared when the final member of our new team arrived. When the stunner arrived at our door, that charming funny girl became an insecure moaning two faced bitch. Neither of those two girls appear in this story. I can barely stand to be around that bitch after she called me a shallow bastard at the Christmas party; simple for talking to the stunner and daring to put my arm around her. And the stunner herself; well she has a better social life than the rest of us; that’s why you’ll hear little about her down at the heartbreak hotel.
Now Annie wasn’t meant to be heartbroken; not like the rest of us. She had herself a guy who seemed to be making a good boyfriend. But in the week preceding her arrival in Coventry Annie and her man suffered a messy break up. So she arrived at the bus station two days ago as broken hearted as the rest of us; a thin smile on her face to cover the poorly hidden pain. And now I’m pretty sure that my hotel is cursed. I’m sure it is a magnet for all the great love loser’s. We all end up here in room 12 slumped against walls and draped on sofas; comparing our battle scars and claiming that were copping fine.

Annie and I are alone in the room now; the new kid is off somewhere with the night manager and Blanky has gone to bed is in his own room. She asked me to stay so I get in to bed with her fully clothed and she falls asleep on my arm. In between snoring and dreaming I let my mind run back over the events of the previous night and I smile to myself.

Annie is in love with an American band called ‘boys like girls’. I saw this band when I took Baby Twist to see ‘The Plain White T’s’ back in the days when she was my Delilah. It was her first ever gig and I had to explain to her the concept of a support act; there were two that day the first were ‘Cartel’ who were followed by ‘boys like girls’; of course I knew the name from Annie’s constant raving about them and they played a good gig so I was quite impressed by them. I believe baby twist had fun at her first ever gig. She smiled and laughed at the sight of moshing, and couldn’t get over the kids crowd surfing. And when the ‘lain White T’s’ ended the night with their hit single hey there Delilah- and every single voice sang along; and the room was lit by the light of a multitude of phones and digital cameras- her jaw dropped and her eyes widened and she pulled my arms tight around her. I love this memory best of all.

I got the chance to repay Annie for being there for me after my messy split with baby twist by buying us tickets to go see ‘boys like girls’ in Birmingham. I bought 4 tickets for her and her guy; and me and Blanky. Of course the split happened and Blanky decided that he wasn’t all that fond of the music so it ended up just being me and my Annie, and in the end I was glad about it.
The crowd was a young one; I could have stood at the front of the room and waved my had over all of them and sent them all to bed; because it was clearly past all of their bed times. We got drinks from the bar; and at £8 for two I felt like I needed to sit down. We found a seat next to two guys and Annie broke the ice and got talking to them. It turns out that they were journalists there to interview the band. Well Annie declared her love for the boys like girls and then talked about herself for a bit; she told the journalist about how she was from Leeds but France originally; about her split from her guy; about how she knew me and about how we were the closest of friends. I bet they got a better interview out of my little Annie then they did out of the band; I know the photographer fell under her charms because he offered to get the band to give her a shout out; we laughed and said yeah do that; thinking it wouldn’t happen at all!

Sure enough half way through their set the lead singer of ‘Boys like Girls’ is looking out onto the crowd and asking ‘so where’s this French girl Annie’. I go crazy and lift her up as high as I can but she’s still that short that the band can’t see her. I put her down; grab her hand and pull her through the crowd as far as I can; until the little tots in front of us throw their toys out of their prams and refuse to move. I can hear the girls at the front all shouting that they are French; all in broad Brummy accents and it’s too late now because he points to a girl and says well ‘this one’s for you’. He begins to sing ‘thunder’ to some poser at the front but it’s ok because we know who he’s really singing too.

At the end of the gig Annie and I are in a shared state of shock; were having to peel each other off the ceiling. We bump into the journalist again and the photographer comes over all smiles and flirting and hand on her arm. He smiles, asks if she’s going back to the hotel room alone tonight. She says yes; smiles back, has a picture taken with him; then I sweep her up into my arms and we pose for our own picture; and finally she hugs him goodbye and we’re gone. We back in Coventry with Blanky and the new kid for a few drinks up the Kasbah; before we all end up back at room 12.
The next day Annie’s getting ready for her trip back up to Leeds; the new kid lives in Sheffield and he’s offered to take her all the way home; so at the moment Annie and I are standing out the front of the hotel. She’s smoking her fag and we were saying our goodbyes. She asks when we will see each other again and I say I have tickets to see the enemy in March; she smiles! Awesome! She loves The Enemy!

She goes on to tell me how much she loves me! Like truly! Like this last two days have really helped her; it was just what she needed. I’m the best friend she could hope for and I’m always there for her, and she’s glad she’s got me in her life, and how she always hopes I will be. I smile but there is this lump in my throat because I’m sad; but I feel good too because it’s only now that I realise! It’s only now that I know what this story is about; it’s not about heartbreak and doomed relationships and sadness; this is the story of how Annie fixed me.

I changed for Baby twist! I became someone else not to make her happy but to make it easier for her to live with her family. Now when she left it took all I had to survive but I did; even though it cost me something. I became someone else; not the man I was before Baby Twist, nor the man I became for her but instead I am someone new. Of late I have noticed that I’ve been lacking my soul; I can’t seem to care for anyone or anything. Once I was a great listener; now I nod my head and say ‘yeah I see what you mean’. I used to be able to see when people were upset; now I can’t see past my own frown. I used to be the king of hearts and the joker rolled into one; now I don’t think I’m even the two of clubs. I stopped caring and now I know why!

You see for me the most important thing in the world is friendship; I like to think it’s what I do best. I’m the one with the shoulder soaked in tears and the comforting words; the one ready to be at the end of the phone or on a train to put the smile back on your face. I make time for people even if I haven’t got it for myself. I poured all of my love and affection and friendship out on Baby Twist and when it was eventually so totally rejected I couldn’t bear to be that way anymore. I stopped caring for people; all except Annie of course; I was always there for her.
As we are saying our goodbyes she’s reminding me that I’m a good person. I can literally feel my heart lifting. She’s reminding me that all I’ve ever required of myself is: not to be not a great guy; just a good one and I’ve always lived up to that. I’ve always been there for her; when she’s needed me and even when she’s told me to keep my nose out because she can cope; I’ve still been there.

And what for? To get her into bed? To make her see I’d be a great boyfriend? I don’t think so somehow! I make a great friend to that girl but we would be lousy lovers. We don’t suit each other that way; we have incompatible relationships habits and are attracted to different things. I like a curvy figure and Annie like’s the thin trendy kids. It would all be risking too much to gain too little.

I’m there for Annie for no reason other than friendship and that’s the greatest reason to be there for someone. I thank her for reminding me of this; in others eyes I might be a failure but not in hers and I think it was seeing myself through her eyes again that has truly fixed me! I have become myself. I’m a friend again!
I can tell I’m myself again; earlier today Annie had expressed her rage for Baby twist and the way I was treated; in the same way I often express my rage for Sidebottom and all the other stupid boys who’ve hurt my little Annie. So there she’s is ranting about Twist and a month ago I would have let her but I find myself stopping her. I say in the end it’s not her fault; how could we expect any different? I say we are all the product of our parents and hers went out of their way to cause strife between us. This situation is of their design not hers.

In the end I feel happy now! I spent the last 6 months alone, sad, angry, without hope, without heart and soul, I slept and worked and eat but did little else. I gave up hope! I was convinced that the story of the heartbreak hotel was about how I lost myself to Baby Twist in the city of Cheltenham; but thanks to Annie I now know that the story of the heartbreak hotel is not about how I lost myself; but rather it’s about how I found myself in room number 12; lying half asleep on the sofa like a sack of dirty booze soaked clothes. I thank her for that!